waiting anxiously

having to work evryday wif my off days all converted into

half day offs meant fr my dialysis session.wif my current condition

i need to go 5 times a week dialysis. life at moment is tough.

but here i m still holding strong. thanks to my dearest family

who has always been there to support me. fetching me tru n fro

be it from work or frm the dialysis ctr. im holding strong my sayang.

ur presence inside me is a blessing. insya-allah evrytg goes 

smoothly. 

a day @ a time.

whatever that was in the past should nt b ever think of right now in the present.

life has its way of turning fate into what it is right now.

im taking all that has happened before as a blessing in disguise.

i realised how important n pure a bond btwn husband & wife is.

ive done a mistake n he is still there for me. 

never have i seen such a forgiving man in my life.

who remains true n faithful to me.

you have stick with me through my ups and downs.

now after evrytg that has happened, we are even closer than

before. now our dream is cuming to a near reality.

we jus have to be patience n believe in God the Almighty Allah

coz he decides.. insya-allah our prayers for a lil one of ours will come true

in a few months time. to u my lil one inside,please be strong sayang..

ibu will try my very best to keep u safe inside. we love u sayang..

ayah n ibu want to hold sayang in our arms.

wat i realy felt

its been awile since i update my blog. my birthday has passed.
n it seems there aint a wish frm him.  myb he doesnt even want
to b a fren anymore. maybe he was just taking me on a rollercoaster
ride toying with my emotions. i guess im weak im naive
to believe you. u make my marriage to a near crumble 
and you have totally deleted any trace of yourself in FB.
im thankful that u knocked some sense in me.
its not worth knowing u at all ..
im happy now.  

someone i used to noe

Today is dat someones birthday. I still remmbr coz his birthday is jus 1 mth apart frm my husband.to u a happy birthday..

jom Raya!!

Hari Raya this Sunday.cepat masa berlalu. N its nearing an end to fasting month... This Ramadan indeed is a special one for me. Di bulan yg amat suci n penuh barakah i hope my lil one inside is strong to pull through dis shaky first trimester. I noe i shal not put too much hope but i shall be optimistic. Insya-allah u can pull it through my lil one. Mummy wants u so much.. Wishing semua umat muslimin Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir & Batin.

short getaway at ttsh

Warded here at ttsh. After for so long here i am @Bed 88 ward 11c. Will b performing anoter surgery on my hand. Its not working the first tym around. N tomorro will b the scheduled surgery. Parents went hm. Hubby @work today. Hoping he come tonite after his werk.

life

N so it seems i need to do another surgery on my hand. This tym its not a day surgery but i have to admit myself a day before. Doc told me it b a 3 days period. D first surgery was not a success. There seems to b a blockage and what needed was another surgery to salvage d situation. Was told gg to insert sumtg like a balloon-like to inflate the vein so that blood can flow smoothly. HOPEFULLY this time around all is well. Sometimes it felt im tested time upon time. Could it b that i have nvr learnt my lesson at all??

Went hm oni to find myself terribly upset. Had a fight wif d hubby. Eh.no.. Its not a fight. Butim scolded like shit by.the.husband. Didnt noe he was havg his prayers in d oter room. Dat room was locked. I kp knocking. He was agitated and He open d door shoutg.and.angry and banging d door. Haiz. Hurtful words came out from his mouth. I was utterly shocked n.jus kept silence. Tears were forming alrdy. I decided to take my wallet phone n keys n tol him i juz wana go out. In d pretense i was gg to pay sum bills. Padahal i juz wana get sum fresh air. Cannot tahan. Dn wan him see me cry. Seriusly hurtg. So here i m restg my mind away At downtwn east.. Balik lmbt balik lmbt ler. Gi mampos.. Tonite is me myself and i time. Hate d way he react tonite.

cold cold day

Well it happened that i forgot my blanket for today diaylsis session. Happen to b husband off day. informed him of my forgetfullness way early wen i reached branch fr werk at ard 1045am. Well dialysis has started n yet wen i called him up and ask him casually on wat he is dg, His reply was he was gg to slp. Whereas i saw him Updatg funny pics on his fb profile all aftnoon. Sigh. A total opposite of someone whom i used to know.. Maybe i shal not compare. I love him.full-stop.

searchg for you Hi&Low...

In search of Blk 88 @ bedok north st 4.. Troublesome indeed. Took a cab.haf to ignore d peak hour surcharge.. All because need to attend cluster meetg on behalf Manager absence. Manager have to be there for branch closing n he haf to assign me. Aiyo. A 1st tym meetg wif the East cluster ppl. Haiz. Mesti akward.

another day

I tot i saw someone dat i know from my past. But oh well i tot wrong. Wishful thinking on my part. Well life still go on as normal.

hate visits to ttsh

Waiting here at d clinic@ttsh.. Since 215 and yet my name my number has not been called yet. So leceh. N after dis straitaway I haf to go to kembangan fr my dialysis. N dis doctor is taking so longgg.. Seems i have no choice but to take a cab from here to kembangan plaza. Oh great. N i haf to rush and buy food. Not yet had lunch. Breakfast was just a bowl of kellogs cereal.haiz.. Ok i just went out from Doc room. No good news. D wrist hand is not working as it should be. Need to do another scanning. N need be need to open up n do sumtg to d vein again to make it bigger. Omg. Again... Surgery.

lalala

Its been a few days since my last post.. As per normal life goes on. As much as i want.. Im living a day as it is.. Come wat may.. Oh well sometimes i juz think that it aint fair.. For me not able to mourn my loss. Its rude of me to put dat pic of dead foetus. Wen i post it up in instagram. N nt FB.. Big bro ask me to remove it. At first i was not agreeing to it but once he told me the reason. Oh yes it does makes sense. Maybe im wayyy too modern n lacking of religious insight on what is allowed n not. Up to date, i don think i have really really let out my real feelins. Im juz taking it all in. Agreeing to watever ppl say i should do. Its me all dis while.. From young till present.. I always pendam. Pendam rasa. If its gd for evryone den its good for me.. Its like im tired. Tired of everythg.

independent

Ive reach home.. N so it seems i will b gg to work on my own tomorrow. N i need to b there at branch at 8am. I wonder m i able to wake up that early.. Haiz. Go out at 7am? Den fr me to wake up? Haiz.. Plus makeup n all. Leceh n bingit. N dad doesnt fetch me coz is already comitted in sendg my kuzzin. So yap. I noe im strong enuf. Maybe yes d fact dat i haf ppl send n fetch me tru and fro has made me pampered in a way. Yup im able to withstand d morning crowd. Wat matters is i need b confident.. Look pretty professionally. :) Dearest Hubby is not hm yet. Hoping to get a glimpse of him b4 i fell asleep anytym soon.. Need to doze off dis tooth pain of mine.

in pain

Not feeling good at all. My wisdom tooth is acting up again. Been popping in panadols diligently since ystrdy.. Another setback again. Sigh.. Hoping d pain will subside.. I need sleep. Lately ive bn havg trouble in sleeping.. Tomorrow have to be at branch by 8am fr training. N in proper attire wif makeup n all. Training n bigshot ppl coming N we r considered flagship model branch.. So evrytg must b in tip top condition. Haiz. N i have trouble waking up early. N to do makeup?? A task thats impossible. Hoping il nt b late to d said training..

alone again

Another night at home alone on my bed.. D hubby is working OT. Fr d nite. 3rd in a week. I miss you..i do.. Do u my dear?? Really??

its midnite n i still cant sleep

Tonite i be spending my nite alone. 2nd nite for the week. dearest hubby is dg his OT work for the nite again..

i shall take things in my stride. i shal not think the worse.. possibility work is alot at work for the hubby..

i shall wait for his return the next morning..

But mornin come i will need to go to the hospital for my appointment wif my lupus doctor at ttsh.
definitely he cant accompany me coz he be tired and sleepy..

Tomorrow is going to be another annual leave wasted. fr my appointment in d morning at tssh for godsakes who noes how long il be theere stuck.. and for my ongoing 4hrs session at kembangan at 4pm..

hoping forever for the best. coz i believe the best is yet to come...

What if..

Hoping u r dg ok there.. Will i ever get to mit u again.. I wonder.. If its meant i guess i will mit u again.. For now wishing ur dg good there n that ur happy..

another OT for d nite

While i was finishing work matters at ard 6pm plus..
I was tryg mk it early.. Den dearest hubby message me saying he will be working overtime ..
And coming back oni tomorrow. Haiz.. Frustrated. Nvm.. Tonite i b slpg alone. Again.

Here i am at ttsh fr my appointment. And i am stil waiting. Nvr haf the apptmt b on time. Wonder y does it take so long for the doc to see one patient.. Haiz. N im reminded of my convo wif him. On d waiting time at hospital. He was wif his mom.. On how he commented of bg a subsidised patient. Memories it was..

Today is my off day.. But its appoinment day fr TTSH renal unit..
Meaning i haf to switch my dialysis session to d 1st shift morning..
Ive rch here ard 7 plus.. Sleepy still. N i wonder y d apptmt dey make it at 4pm.
Once i end ard 12plus in d aftnoon. Il b having sum few hrs b4 d apptmt.

mothers day

Today is mothers day.

Wishing all mothers a happy mothers day..

If i had not done anythg.. Il b a mother to 3 beautiful children. But ive made my choices. N so here i m childless..

To make it all worse my current health situation is no gd either to carry to full term. As of now im a kidny patient.. Who do i get to blame all this? Myself?? Retribution fr all d sins ive comitted.. Sad indeed. Sadness.. Anger.. Within me.. I noe that i haf to resign to fate my destiny.. Argghh... Seriusly i think i cn go bonkerrs.. Fr thinking too much..

weekend

weekend is here yet again. But this time im working for this 2 days..

For this 2 days the task is much more of a daunting one that is.
After fr so long... Last tym was last yr.. Today i was dg d role of a cash offcr. Chief cashier.
All dis wile im dg ops side.. A task dat i find tedious. Coz need to balance whole branch money. N all dependg on me to balance..
Alhamdulillah crowd is good n i manage to close branch at 730pm.

On another note...
Wishing sumhow everythg is different. Wishing that i sumhow knew what is happenin to u.. Y m i thinking of u. Nw n then.. Wen u urself r not thinking of me.. Sigh.. Mayb its true. Its me all along.. Never was there you in us...

downward feeling

Now i notice.. My left fingers easily get numb.. Haiz.. Wonder hw d feeling it wil be once dey r startg d dialysis session using my hand. It b like constant 2 needles evrtym bg poked to the new reconstructed vein evrytym fr my session. D 2 needles will b der for 4 hrs.. Haiz.. Mesti sakit agaknya... Work isues. Haiz. . I must get use to bg the cash officer role instead of more of d ops side.. My cash offcr is changing branches. New one coming in is studyg part tym.. Haiz.. Hopefully i wont b fully stressed n tired. Existing colleague not yet touch cash offcr duty.. Haiz... Love issues.. Haiz... Relationship wise.. Bingitz.. Nvm.. I shall prevail n persevere..

taking its time to fade..

M at the centre doing my session.. Today reach early so at 8 i will end.. Yippee!!.. Lately haf bn gg hm at 930. Coz once i reach late der will b a few ppl lining up before me.. Listening to mp3.. Savage Garden never fails to make me soo so optimistic n happy. Maybe its intuition.. Some things you just dont question.. Like in your eyes i see my future in an instant I think i found my best fren. I know it may sound more then a lil crazy.. But i believe.. In your eyes i see d missing pieces... I knew i loved you before i met u.. I think i dreamed you into life.. Ive been waitg all my life.

I got d weekends off.. Saturday was due to a PH and today is my off day.. Went fr a drive up to Tanjong Balau @ malaysia.. Was planning fr a weekend getaway but due to last min plan evrytg else was fully booked. So wat we do was juz to try an drive thru Tjg Balau and went to Pandan city aftr dat fr supper. Tanjong Balau was pretty amazing. Love the beach. Water is so clean. Journy to d place is so calm n green. Wishing I can go there again one day. Evrytg seems so stress free.. Makes me forget all my worries. And not forgettg cats galore. I liikke... Wishing...one day.. Evrytg will b better..

Not yet aslp.. I cant slp.not yet.. Nt feeling ok..

Its tuesday..n its a holiday... Supposed to wakeup early N mit a fren fr breakfast but i juz woke up.. Cancel d plan n lucky she too juz awake frm slp.. Hubby is at work. Another day alone at hm.. What shal i do.. Myb il b gg to parents hm ltr. Since der is no plan.. Happy endings will only happen in fairytales i gues. Happily ever after.. Is der such person as ur Soulmate? Ur best fren? N your lover? All in one...

Morning felt good. Loving dis type of weather.. Not hot n bright n not raining. Another day at work fr me. Its a beautifull day...na naaa na na naa naa naa.. Oh babyy.. Humming to dis song.. But seems i cnt get d song sung by who.. Glee cast has sung it.. A happy tune... Hmm...

Im back at work today..
given 2 weeks mc but loooking at my previous record..
due to my sickness.. all thoses sick leave i have taken recently..
i dont think i shall take any more..
hoping d left hand be good to me today at work..

tryg to put on a brave front for evrybody. its for the best of evryone.
don wana let ppl here my colleagues tink im taking advantage..
most of them wil not think dat way i think but who noes right??


missing my life.
hating my present life..

seriously planning for a holiday is so stressful..
looking at my sessions. its impossible.
unless i do it overseas.
cost will be expensive.

wishing somehow in another lifetime evrytg wil be
diffrent.

Its midnite alrdy. N i stil cnt slp.. I gues it will take a while to get use to evrythg.. Argghh.. D pain is stil der... On my left hand.. Lenguh. Bisa.. All in one... N it hurts.... Sad... I cant evn hold or carry anythg without feelin d pain.. Hubby says its still new.. I haf to tahann.. Haiz... I cn tk d easy way out n eat panadol but.... Too much of it is no good... Hoping i cn slp well tonite. Thinkin of someone. Hoping he is dg juz fine.. Wonder hw he is.. Hows he n family dg.. Are dey still togethr??

Sleeping in on a saturday.. Left hand stil hurts. D pain come n goes.. As and when it likes.. :( My left hand is nvr gonna b d same again..... I wonder will u stay on.. After some time.. Wif my sickness n all.

M at hm in my rm watchg tv. Bought chickn rice fr hm. Mummy n abah fetch me frm session. Hubby is fixing his fishg accesories.. It seems tomoro mornin he is gg fishing. As usual. Sunday wil b his trip wif his buddies. Feeling something is amiss.. Nvm.. It shall fade d feelings inside... Its juz gg to take some time..

Hungry. Dont think d 2 pau-s i bought at 7-11 is enough.. Pain lvl on left hand im ok wif it as it has subside.Wat i cant stand is d coldness. With this blanket oso it seems nt to work. Left hand my fingers can b numb. As in i cn feel d semut2.. Puttg my hand in btwn my thighs fr d heat.Haiz. Hoping it wont do any damage to d veins. Hoping d vein wont die on me due to coldness. Wishing forever fr hubby to just come and give me a suprise. N come bring some food. But i dont think it will ever b true.. Wishful thinking on my part.. Anoter day it is. Today one of the nurses talk to me. Frm our previous chit chat session, I found out her husband suffered kidny problm too n had go fr d sessions. Not until today i knew dat her husband had passed last yr at d age of 52. Dat too was a heart attack durg dialysis session. It seems she is coping it well d loss.. D husband got it wen he was 38. That was young.. He got complications as a weak heart added to d kidney problm.what is amazing on how dis lady can b so calm n strong. To b wif d husband throu thick n thin.. Will i ever get to live to an ol age with someone by my side?? Its a diffrent thing to say one love someone but in times of all this is dat person b able to b there for me like he promised? Seriously i dono what my future lieas ahead. Will i b gettg better or even more worse than this. Will he leave me eventually n fall fr another person?? Will i have any complications?? My dreams will only be dreams. My greatest accomplisment that i have yet to achieve seems so far.. Envy all those mothers..

Waiting at d void deck. Fr dad to fetch me to d dialysis ctr. Hubby is at hm slpg. Not dstrbg him. Coz he is nt feelg well.. On my way nw.. Dad has come.. Pain on d left arm is der still. Hoping evrytg will turn out well..

Today didnt go to work. :( d pain is there.. My left wrist is swollen. Took meds. Only b back on sunday to work.. Hoping d pain n swelling will subside.. Hmm later i stil got to go fr dialysis tho. Felt diffrent. Hmm.. Its ok i noe i can overcome all this.. Feelings will fade eventually... Juz need to focus on gettg myself better n not think of others. What has passed is over. No point in tinking of d what ifs..

Finally rch hm after a full day at hospital. Was discharged only ard 5 plus. Had my dinner at orchard before proceedg to parents hm b4 cumg bck hm at pasir ris.. Throbbing pain throughout d journey to n fro in d train.. Seems dat once i put down my hand the throbbing pain b more.. N blood can b seen on plaster .. Alot.. Hmm i gues i change dressing tomoro coz tonite is too painful.. Hoping my vein wil nt die on me coz if it does dis surgery is fr nutg.. Wasted.. Given 2 weeks mc. But i dn think i want to fully utilised it. Hav bn usg mc n hosp. Leave alot previous to this Dn wan look bad on me..

Pain has subside in stomach but its still there.. For nw gg to ignore that pain.. Now the only thg on my mind is d surgery.. Super duper nervous. In 95 min.. It b it.. That is d end of my left hand function... Hmm.. I wonder hw d pain is.

Its midnite n i cant slp yet. Stomach is nt feelg gd at all.. Dono y. Its not stomach area but its more towards d space below d belly button. I have wash d stomach over warm water n put vics.. Could it b my menses? Or could it b sumtg more?? As much as i want to b pregnant. Can it b menses dis tym ard? Im scared as it is. Hmm... A DNA test is emminent if i am.. Coz d hubby don trust me. Im scared. Wishing evrytg is normal as it is.. Ive got so much on my mind as it is.. Surgery in a few hrs time.. Dear God.. Please keep me sane as it is... Please let all dis nightmare be just a dream..

My feelings at d moment is so messed up. Ders alot to be think of. B it work issues.. My marriage issues.. My health.. Haiz. To think of it tomorrow is d dreadful day. Its a day surgery. So it shouldnt b a problm to anyone but the pain was told its gg to b immense. Hmm. Dreading coz impact it will make is bigger. I cant evn carry anytg more than 3kg. My hand movement will b restricted. I wonder if im able to swim anymore. Haiz. N i dont think i can b even stressed. Lupus will come back if im under pressure.. I noe d mistakes dat i haf at d moment is of my own wrongdoing. Evrytg will not happen if i dn reply back askin who he is.. On 28th feb 2012. If i ignore, all thos that has happen wont happen. Im guilty fr breaking a family apart. If watever i read frm his now defunct no more profile in fb is true.. Im too ashamed n guilty to c his wife n children.i shal have stopped wen its early. I realised that if situation is reversed n I found out my spouse is cheating its one hell of a blow fr me to accept d fact. All i can say is im terribly sorry.

remorse

Feeling guilty as it is... Sorry. Sorry fr i have caused everyone heartache.. Im guilty fr breaking someones family.. Dear Allah, he n i would not want to have anythg to do with one anoter. Our path crossed and for him it costs his marriage to fall apart. All im asking is fr u to give him the strength yo ovrcome this dugaan n please dn breakup their family. Please let their children have their parents back. Ya Allah.. Kau berikan lah Irmady dan isterinya kekuatan utk mengahrungi masalah mereka. Dont u worry I will not disturb u again Irmady..

I miss my hubby. Away at parents. A nite away.. Fr me to reflect back on my wrongdoings. I miss my hubby. Im truly sorry for the mistake i have done. Dear God, please keep our love fr one another burnin as it should be. For a moment of ignorance i totally forgotten w where i stand. I realise the importance of what a marriage should be. Forgiveness is a virtue indeed. Thankiu fr bg d bigger person in all of this n forgiving me fr my grave mistake. I nevr intend to hurt you in any way. I lose track on y i have fallen for you in d ferst place. I love you. I do.. I wan us to be that ol couple we saw years ago.. Holding hand in hand eating ice cream..