Its tuesday..n its a holiday... Supposed to wakeup early N mit a fren fr breakfast but i juz woke up.. Cancel d plan n lucky she too juz awake frm slp.. Hubby is at work. Another day alone at hm.. What shal i do.. Myb il b gg to parents hm ltr. Since der is no plan.. Happy endings will only happen in fairytales i gues. Happily ever after.. Is der such person as ur Soulmate? Ur best fren? N your lover? All in one...

Morning felt good. Loving dis type of weather.. Not hot n bright n not raining. Another day at work fr me. Its a beautifull day...na naaa na na naa naa naa.. Oh babyy.. Humming to dis song.. But seems i cnt get d song sung by who.. Glee cast has sung it.. A happy tune... Hmm...

Im back at work today..
given 2 weeks mc but loooking at my previous record..
due to my sickness.. all thoses sick leave i have taken recently..
i dont think i shall take any more..
hoping d left hand be good to me today at work..

tryg to put on a brave front for evrybody. its for the best of evryone.
don wana let ppl here my colleagues tink im taking advantage..
most of them wil not think dat way i think but who noes right??


missing my life.
hating my present life..

seriously planning for a holiday is so stressful..
looking at my sessions. its impossible.
unless i do it overseas.
cost will be expensive.

wishing somehow in another lifetime evrytg wil be
diffrent.

Its midnite alrdy. N i stil cnt slp.. I gues it will take a while to get use to evrythg.. Argghh.. D pain is stil der... On my left hand.. Lenguh. Bisa.. All in one... N it hurts.... Sad... I cant evn hold or carry anythg without feelin d pain.. Hubby says its still new.. I haf to tahann.. Haiz... I cn tk d easy way out n eat panadol but.... Too much of it is no good... Hoping i cn slp well tonite. Thinkin of someone. Hoping he is dg juz fine.. Wonder hw he is.. Hows he n family dg.. Are dey still togethr??

Sleeping in on a saturday.. Left hand stil hurts. D pain come n goes.. As and when it likes.. :( My left hand is nvr gonna b d same again..... I wonder will u stay on.. After some time.. Wif my sickness n all.

M at hm in my rm watchg tv. Bought chickn rice fr hm. Mummy n abah fetch me frm session. Hubby is fixing his fishg accesories.. It seems tomoro mornin he is gg fishing. As usual. Sunday wil b his trip wif his buddies. Feeling something is amiss.. Nvm.. It shall fade d feelings inside... Its juz gg to take some time..

Hungry. Dont think d 2 pau-s i bought at 7-11 is enough.. Pain lvl on left hand im ok wif it as it has subside.Wat i cant stand is d coldness. With this blanket oso it seems nt to work. Left hand my fingers can b numb. As in i cn feel d semut2.. Puttg my hand in btwn my thighs fr d heat.Haiz. Hoping it wont do any damage to d veins. Hoping d vein wont die on me due to coldness. Wishing forever fr hubby to just come and give me a suprise. N come bring some food. But i dont think it will ever b true.. Wishful thinking on my part.. Anoter day it is. Today one of the nurses talk to me. Frm our previous chit chat session, I found out her husband suffered kidny problm too n had go fr d sessions. Not until today i knew dat her husband had passed last yr at d age of 52. Dat too was a heart attack durg dialysis session. It seems she is coping it well d loss.. D husband got it wen he was 38. That was young.. He got complications as a weak heart added to d kidney problm.what is amazing on how dis lady can b so calm n strong. To b wif d husband throu thick n thin.. Will i ever get to live to an ol age with someone by my side?? Its a diffrent thing to say one love someone but in times of all this is dat person b able to b there for me like he promised? Seriously i dono what my future lieas ahead. Will i b gettg better or even more worse than this. Will he leave me eventually n fall fr another person?? Will i have any complications?? My dreams will only be dreams. My greatest accomplisment that i have yet to achieve seems so far.. Envy all those mothers..

Waiting at d void deck. Fr dad to fetch me to d dialysis ctr. Hubby is at hm slpg. Not dstrbg him. Coz he is nt feelg well.. On my way nw.. Dad has come.. Pain on d left arm is der still. Hoping evrytg will turn out well..

Today didnt go to work. :( d pain is there.. My left wrist is swollen. Took meds. Only b back on sunday to work.. Hoping d pain n swelling will subside.. Hmm later i stil got to go fr dialysis tho. Felt diffrent. Hmm.. Its ok i noe i can overcome all this.. Feelings will fade eventually... Juz need to focus on gettg myself better n not think of others. What has passed is over. No point in tinking of d what ifs..

Finally rch hm after a full day at hospital. Was discharged only ard 5 plus. Had my dinner at orchard before proceedg to parents hm b4 cumg bck hm at pasir ris.. Throbbing pain throughout d journey to n fro in d train.. Seems dat once i put down my hand the throbbing pain b more.. N blood can b seen on plaster .. Alot.. Hmm i gues i change dressing tomoro coz tonite is too painful.. Hoping my vein wil nt die on me coz if it does dis surgery is fr nutg.. Wasted.. Given 2 weeks mc. But i dn think i want to fully utilised it. Hav bn usg mc n hosp. Leave alot previous to this Dn wan look bad on me..

Pain has subside in stomach but its still there.. For nw gg to ignore that pain.. Now the only thg on my mind is d surgery.. Super duper nervous. In 95 min.. It b it.. That is d end of my left hand function... Hmm.. I wonder hw d pain is.

Its midnite n i cant slp yet. Stomach is nt feelg gd at all.. Dono y. Its not stomach area but its more towards d space below d belly button. I have wash d stomach over warm water n put vics.. Could it b my menses? Or could it b sumtg more?? As much as i want to b pregnant. Can it b menses dis tym ard? Im scared as it is. Hmm... A DNA test is emminent if i am.. Coz d hubby don trust me. Im scared. Wishing evrytg is normal as it is.. Ive got so much on my mind as it is.. Surgery in a few hrs time.. Dear God.. Please keep me sane as it is... Please let all dis nightmare be just a dream..

My feelings at d moment is so messed up. Ders alot to be think of. B it work issues.. My marriage issues.. My health.. Haiz. To think of it tomorrow is d dreadful day. Its a day surgery. So it shouldnt b a problm to anyone but the pain was told its gg to b immense. Hmm. Dreading coz impact it will make is bigger. I cant evn carry anytg more than 3kg. My hand movement will b restricted. I wonder if im able to swim anymore. Haiz. N i dont think i can b even stressed. Lupus will come back if im under pressure.. I noe d mistakes dat i haf at d moment is of my own wrongdoing. Evrytg will not happen if i dn reply back askin who he is.. On 28th feb 2012. If i ignore, all thos that has happen wont happen. Im guilty fr breaking a family apart. If watever i read frm his now defunct no more profile in fb is true.. Im too ashamed n guilty to c his wife n children.i shal have stopped wen its early. I realised that if situation is reversed n I found out my spouse is cheating its one hell of a blow fr me to accept d fact. All i can say is im terribly sorry.

remorse

Feeling guilty as it is... Sorry. Sorry fr i have caused everyone heartache.. Im guilty fr breaking someones family.. Dear Allah, he n i would not want to have anythg to do with one anoter. Our path crossed and for him it costs his marriage to fall apart. All im asking is fr u to give him the strength yo ovrcome this dugaan n please dn breakup their family. Please let their children have their parents back. Ya Allah.. Kau berikan lah Irmady dan isterinya kekuatan utk mengahrungi masalah mereka. Dont u worry I will not disturb u again Irmady..

I miss my hubby. Away at parents. A nite away.. Fr me to reflect back on my wrongdoings. I miss my hubby. Im truly sorry for the mistake i have done. Dear God, please keep our love fr one another burnin as it should be. For a moment of ignorance i totally forgotten w where i stand. I realise the importance of what a marriage should be. Forgiveness is a virtue indeed. Thankiu fr bg d bigger person in all of this n forgiving me fr my grave mistake. I nevr intend to hurt you in any way. I lose track on y i have fallen for you in d ferst place. I love you. I do.. I wan us to be that ol couple we saw years ago.. Holding hand in hand eating ice cream..