My Chronic Illness

It really dawned upon me half an hour ago when i read about SLE on the net... the SERIOUSNESS of SLE. A chronic illness which is LIFE THREATENING if your medications is not taken regularly and for you not to MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE.

To think of it, it really scares me to even think of what's the outcome gonna be of my life if lets say my lupus flare up. It has never flare up since i was diagnosed in the year 2002. The doctor has once told me that if a flare up does occurs, it'll be much more worse than the first encounter...

with it...

It really opened up my eyes when i read all those lupus websites. I have not done my part to know well enough what is lupus exactly until today.

All this while, I've been taking my illness lightly as it is. Not following the DOs & DONTs.
All this while, My family have been so worried about my well-being, doing their best to accomodate my illness since im extraordinary from the rest. It made me realised that I've not been treating them well and it makes me sick to recall of the bickerings that I had with them. goodness me, how could i ever become so mean???

To mummy, abah, kak ra, abg aril n adik arul, trust me dis one last tym when I say I am n I WILL take GOOD CARE of my condition. Ive been so dependent on them. What if my parents grow old one day?? What if my siblings started to have their own families?? How am i going to cope with all this??
I need to be independent frm now on...

"ya allah, give me the strength and courage to overcome any obstacles that is thrown upon me.."

Emptiness ahead where do i Go...

everything seems unfair...
i really feel like im suffocating inside dis life of mine...
y does everything does not turn out the way i wanted it to be...
frens are great but sumtyms i just do feel lonely...
its hard to explain but to have someone who loves u as his gf is diffren frm having a frenship wif ur frens...
yes i noe what is fate. i noe wat is destiny. i noe all dat.
y isit just hard for me to let go of dis one last guy???
y cant i just move on wif my life and pretend nothing has happened..
i just cant... i noe my mind is saying to just let it all go but my heart says otherwise...
where do i go frm here??

PIsseD oFF Morning!!!

• for your info, since the lack of room in my house (4-room flat), my younger bro n me sleeping in my parents room. elder sis wif her fren which i considered as a sis is in 1 room. Elder bro n his fren in the other room. oh great so there i was wif my parents.
• woke up by his sms.
• mom start nagging ferst coz so earli ppl msg and she tot i gatal back got new bf.
• den dad wake up as well n start giving a lecture to go back frm werk straight to hm frm now on. do go newer after werk. don gatal find bf or wat and if nk keluar sgt after werk mite as well
  i go n quit sch. jgn menyusahkan dier waste his money for me. quote his saying" kau byk duit ker aper nk kluar sana sini" n etc..
• i cant believe i wake up to hear dis unneccessary conversation.

Back to his sms, he saes earlier on that YES he is going to give back my stuff after i persistently saes i want it back... yesterdae nite he msg me TOMORROW.

Den early in d morning he msg me dis...

his sms: Eh you sis hard disk no value k already spoil..
Huh infact everything no value.. K i got no time to pass you la
If i free i've return it back long time ago k no point keeping la..

N der goes the series of pissing one another tru d exchange of sms.i was having my shower wen d exchanges are made...

My sms: Eh asal ngn kau?? Fishing rod no value?? Aku punya apa.
Bag aku no value?? I can bring it to sch. So apa no valuenyer??!!

My sms: Eh no point? So? It belongs to my sis and she jz want it back.
Susah sgt ker? Rosak2 lah. Dia nk balik. So haf to gif. I want it bac.
D point is its mine n i want i back. Get it? Get dat in your head k.
Da pinjam bagi balik. Bukannye gift...

My sms: N she ask u to repairkan. Klau tkle juz giv her back.. N my fishing rod and my
bag. I decided i want it back.

His sms: Eh2 dis gal.. All those stuff means nothing to me k fuck liked i said i'm busy..
Get it? Understand english? Got it in your brain?? If you have one dat is..

My sms: Eh jerk, d point is u pinjam u return. Its not becoz of no brain or nt,
NO matter how bz u r!! Dnt tel me u cant mit b4 u go to werk. Or u can say
a specific tym like wknd. Eh da laa, Hantar balik aja aah. susah sgt to set a time period
ker.. Plz laa.. Tink ok..

His sms: Eh eh bitch.. Malays will always be malays lah eh. Dont make me start to count the
money k eh.. This sat frm 2-5 under ur blk! YOur bag the fishing rod and the hard
disk! You can take back the bag you bought for me too! I dont give a damn k!

My sms: Eh fuck laa. A simple task which u simply canot do. Dn label me nehow.
All matters is principles. U haf to return what you borrow.. get dat clear ferst aite.
A gift is diffren frma borrowed thing so the gift is urs to kp!! Fhmkan ok plz..

His sms: Oh like dat i dont wanna keep anything la k.. Never wanted to k! Now i remember
helping you to pay your hp before. 80 or 50.. K i want it back too.

My sms: U help. U dn ask for return.. N now u want it back?? cant believe wat u wrote..
U r typical. dat desperate for money??
I'll find ways to cum up with dat money evn if it means degrading myself..
Da lah yg dibagi as a gift as ur b'day present kp i dont want it back..
U r juz unbelievable..


N he stop messsaging me back...

Our last Meeting

ME n HIM no more. regrets???

ans:yes. Coz im such a weakling wen it cums to matters of the heart. Moments are there
and it just cant be erased. N i hate that feeling!!!
ans:no. Life stil have to move with or WITHOUT HIM.. I believe in love. and I believe that
somewhere out there there's dis one guy destined for me... a matter of tym & trust
and risks you have to take to be exact.

Today will be the day I'm going to meet him for the last time. Purpose is to get my stuffs back and give him wats his. I bet he have not recovered the data that my sis wanted frm the hard disk. he told us he be able to retrieve it las tym. BUT i tink we all noe d answer wich is NO. I think d hard disk is left lying in a corner at his room. Collecting dust that is. I just hope my bag and my fishing rod is in a good condition that is. Should i gave back his gifts?? hmm...

Anyway, being pathethic at the end of another soured r'ship is what I promised myself not to get into. Being always the giver in a r'ship, being to withstand and let go the unneccesary vulgarities given to u is demoralising in a way. Ur self esteem gets lower n lower. feeling that they are right and you are always wrong.

I learnt it the hard way. Again wen i tot he's d ONE.
Its time for me to not give a damn about their opinions.I want my thoughts to be heard first. Coz i deserve it. I believe that a guy shal not say any vulgarities to his loved ones even if he is so pissed off. Thats just a NO-NO to treat a lady. I still believes that a gal should always look their best when they are in a r'ship. I believes that every party must be fair in terms of giving each others' their freedom. Sincerity and trust is essential in the beginning of a r'ship.

To him, thanks...

meant for you baby...

been trying to prepare for the worst since my r'ship is in trouble.
does he still take me as his gf?? only God knows..
But things that i had found out recently on the net really makes me upset...
im really at a loss... i cant even concentrate on my work. n im not my usual self... all the problems at hm;the bickerings wif my family members, sumhow at dat moment i really really need you the most. But you are not der for me coz I have to respect and give you the space and time that you needed so much... To disturb you wen you are sleeping/working/bz, i know what the consequences will be..
i need answers.. answers from you...
I guess you dont treat me as your gf anymore. isit true baby??
coz you change your status, you deleted all our pics...
Haizz, isit really over between us?? do say something to me at least...
Ive been trying to kp in touch wif u for the laz 1 mth but to no avail...
i want answers.. i want us to settle this thing asap. its really killing me inside...
are you dat cold hearted baby?? is dis the real you??
questions upon questions i have for you but to list it all down here is not the way.
i want us to meet and settle everything thats been bugging you about us and thats bugging me about us. my heart breaks everytym u rejected my kols and msgs that you have not replied too. all i want is for us to meet.
y do you have to make me suffer lyk dis??
what wrong have i done towards you??

My view...

Old habits die last. As a matter of fact, I know one particular person whom I think is a pathological+dumbo+jerk-ass liar. Not only that, he managed to fool everyone that he knows just so that he can save his sorry-ass. Dat fool who believed the stories was me. But then again, thats life. You'll for sure meet a few rotten ppl in your life. The only thing dat we ppl can do in general is just to take the whole experience in stride and learnt from our mistakes.

I thought I never fall into that particular hole again like they say once bitten twice shy. I guess for me its an exception. Bitten twice. Damn it!!

I wonder do others experience what I'm experiencing right now??

Honesty is d antidote to any relationship where trust is concerned. Most of the times, we people do lie to our spouses/gfs/bfs/fiancees. But to what extent is the lie??

Sometimes, being always the giver in a r'ship is not advisable as it may lead your other half to take full advantage of your kind nature.

As for me, I have and I must make a stand in any type of r'ships that I'll have or am having. I need to get my opinions heard be it bad or good.
Being submissive towards the one you loved will not do you any good as it will bring you more hurt in the future. I've seen first hand what has happened in that kind of scenario. Got too many examples and past experiences to learn from.

Being faithful to one particular person and making him your top priority list in your life. Will it do you more harm or good?? For my case, its the latter.

We all deserve to be with someone that who truly appreciates and loves us for the way we are. I believe in true love. Trust is important to me. I believe in working together in a r'ship towards the IDEAL type of r'ship that we both wanted so much. I'm not one who backs out halfway in a r'ship.
And i believe there's always a solution to any r'ship problem.

Am i ready for love?? Oh you bet I am... Bring it on... With the RIGHT person that is...

Stress Bingit!!

what d f*ck seh dey ask me to do here @ d office.
given to do data entry. Again. Dis tym the brochures products.
Not 1 or 2 but 5 brochures. Everything written on the brochure have to be type back to words frm the pdf format. Alot seh. D reason behind it use words more better than pdf. WTH!!
Wanted to copy frm the pdf file and paste it to words,but to no avail. Y? im not given right frm the administrator.frustrating. Need to ask him. Msg him on yahoo messenger he never reply bac or come to my place. grrr!!! nanti dier...
Not oni dat, i have to help Benny and Marilyn with the ses demo captivate thingy(tink of a storyboard for them plus scripting for the audio wile dey do d rest) and also i have to do my telesales(cold calls) together with Umar. ya ya multitasking.yahoo!! oh great!Im having a headache nw. i tink i just have to get use with this environment. im not stressed but d fact that im having a headache makes me so hard to concentrate on typing the brochures into document.
Arrghhh!! I think im going to haf a migraine anytime now. i tink my brain is overloaded, too many things im concerned about: be it my family(unneccesary naggings,finance matters),my troubled love life, my deadlines for the workload given and my sickness. I think im losing weight so fast. am i losing it??
Btw, Ive lost 5 kg since i worked here. gd sign or a bad sign?? am i falling sick again? like before??
i just don want to be hospitalised again. last tym experience was just too much..
arrgh damn it laa.. i want my sickness and my worries and my problems to go away an away as far as possible.

waiting for you

moody.confused.temperamental.hoping.disappointed.loving.

fools paradise

deleting our blogspot??

without me knowing??

isit damn hard for you to even settle our problem???

dont u think you are the only one who's fucked up over dis??

do you ever think about how im feeling ryt now??

not knowing whats gg tru inside of me??

not knowing when is d tym that we are gg to settle dis problem of ours??

what right do you have to diss me wif that msg content??

being harsh towards me?? all those vulgarities??

what harm have i done towards you that led you til dis extent??

why?? why??

how i wish i can turn back the time to correct the mistakes.

im human. i do haf feelings.
im feeling helpless..lonely..