lalala

Its been a few days since my last post.. As per normal life goes on. As much as i want.. Im living a day as it is.. Come wat may.. Oh well sometimes i juz think that it aint fair.. For me not able to mourn my loss. Its rude of me to put dat pic of dead foetus. Wen i post it up in instagram. N nt FB.. Big bro ask me to remove it. At first i was not agreeing to it but once he told me the reason. Oh yes it does makes sense. Maybe im wayyy too modern n lacking of religious insight on what is allowed n not. Up to date, i don think i have really really let out my real feelins. Im juz taking it all in. Agreeing to watever ppl say i should do. Its me all dis while.. From young till present.. I always pendam. Pendam rasa. If its gd for evryone den its good for me.. Its like im tired. Tired of everythg.

independent

Ive reach home.. N so it seems i will b gg to work on my own tomorrow. N i need to b there at branch at 8am. I wonder m i able to wake up that early.. Haiz. Go out at 7am? Den fr me to wake up? Haiz.. Plus makeup n all. Leceh n bingit. N dad doesnt fetch me coz is already comitted in sendg my kuzzin. So yap. I noe im strong enuf. Maybe yes d fact dat i haf ppl send n fetch me tru and fro has made me pampered in a way. Yup im able to withstand d morning crowd. Wat matters is i need b confident.. Look pretty professionally. :) Dearest Hubby is not hm yet. Hoping to get a glimpse of him b4 i fell asleep anytym soon.. Need to doze off dis tooth pain of mine.

in pain

Not feeling good at all. My wisdom tooth is acting up again. Been popping in panadols diligently since ystrdy.. Another setback again. Sigh.. Hoping d pain will subside.. I need sleep. Lately ive bn havg trouble in sleeping.. Tomorrow have to be at branch by 8am fr training. N in proper attire wif makeup n all. Training n bigshot ppl coming N we r considered flagship model branch.. So evrytg must b in tip top condition. Haiz. N i have trouble waking up early. N to do makeup?? A task thats impossible. Hoping il nt b late to d said training..

alone again

Another night at home alone on my bed.. D hubby is working OT. Fr d nite. 3rd in a week. I miss you..i do.. Do u my dear?? Really??

its midnite n i still cant sleep

Tonite i be spending my nite alone. 2nd nite for the week. dearest hubby is dg his OT work for the nite again..

i shall take things in my stride. i shal not think the worse.. possibility work is alot at work for the hubby..

i shall wait for his return the next morning..

But mornin come i will need to go to the hospital for my appointment wif my lupus doctor at ttsh.
definitely he cant accompany me coz he be tired and sleepy..

Tomorrow is going to be another annual leave wasted. fr my appointment in d morning at tssh for godsakes who noes how long il be theere stuck.. and for my ongoing 4hrs session at kembangan at 4pm..

hoping forever for the best. coz i believe the best is yet to come...

What if..

Hoping u r dg ok there.. Will i ever get to mit u again.. I wonder.. If its meant i guess i will mit u again.. For now wishing ur dg good there n that ur happy..

another OT for d nite

While i was finishing work matters at ard 6pm plus..
I was tryg mk it early.. Den dearest hubby message me saying he will be working overtime ..
And coming back oni tomorrow. Haiz.. Frustrated. Nvm.. Tonite i b slpg alone. Again.

Here i am at ttsh fr my appointment. And i am stil waiting. Nvr haf the apptmt b on time. Wonder y does it take so long for the doc to see one patient.. Haiz. N im reminded of my convo wif him. On d waiting time at hospital. He was wif his mom.. On how he commented of bg a subsidised patient. Memories it was..

Today is my off day.. But its appoinment day fr TTSH renal unit..
Meaning i haf to switch my dialysis session to d 1st shift morning..
Ive rch here ard 7 plus.. Sleepy still. N i wonder y d apptmt dey make it at 4pm.
Once i end ard 12plus in d aftnoon. Il b having sum few hrs b4 d apptmt.

mothers day

Today is mothers day.

Wishing all mothers a happy mothers day..

If i had not done anythg.. Il b a mother to 3 beautiful children. But ive made my choices. N so here i m childless..

To make it all worse my current health situation is no gd either to carry to full term. As of now im a kidny patient.. Who do i get to blame all this? Myself?? Retribution fr all d sins ive comitted.. Sad indeed. Sadness.. Anger.. Within me.. I noe that i haf to resign to fate my destiny.. Argghh... Seriusly i think i cn go bonkerrs.. Fr thinking too much..

weekend

weekend is here yet again. But this time im working for this 2 days..

For this 2 days the task is much more of a daunting one that is.
After fr so long... Last tym was last yr.. Today i was dg d role of a cash offcr. Chief cashier.
All dis wile im dg ops side.. A task dat i find tedious. Coz need to balance whole branch money. N all dependg on me to balance..
Alhamdulillah crowd is good n i manage to close branch at 730pm.

On another note...
Wishing sumhow everythg is different. Wishing that i sumhow knew what is happenin to u.. Y m i thinking of u. Nw n then.. Wen u urself r not thinking of me.. Sigh.. Mayb its true. Its me all along.. Never was there you in us...

downward feeling

Now i notice.. My left fingers easily get numb.. Haiz.. Wonder hw d feeling it wil be once dey r startg d dialysis session using my hand. It b like constant 2 needles evrtym bg poked to the new reconstructed vein evrytym fr my session. D 2 needles will b der for 4 hrs.. Haiz.. Mesti sakit agaknya... Work isues. Haiz. . I must get use to bg the cash officer role instead of more of d ops side.. My cash offcr is changing branches. New one coming in is studyg part tym.. Haiz.. Hopefully i wont b fully stressed n tired. Existing colleague not yet touch cash offcr duty.. Haiz... Love issues.. Haiz... Relationship wise.. Bingitz.. Nvm.. I shall prevail n persevere..

taking its time to fade..

M at the centre doing my session.. Today reach early so at 8 i will end.. Yippee!!.. Lately haf bn gg hm at 930. Coz once i reach late der will b a few ppl lining up before me.. Listening to mp3.. Savage Garden never fails to make me soo so optimistic n happy. Maybe its intuition.. Some things you just dont question.. Like in your eyes i see my future in an instant I think i found my best fren. I know it may sound more then a lil crazy.. But i believe.. In your eyes i see d missing pieces... I knew i loved you before i met u.. I think i dreamed you into life.. Ive been waitg all my life.

I got d weekends off.. Saturday was due to a PH and today is my off day.. Went fr a drive up to Tanjong Balau @ malaysia.. Was planning fr a weekend getaway but due to last min plan evrytg else was fully booked. So wat we do was juz to try an drive thru Tjg Balau and went to Pandan city aftr dat fr supper. Tanjong Balau was pretty amazing. Love the beach. Water is so clean. Journy to d place is so calm n green. Wishing I can go there again one day. Evrytg seems so stress free.. Makes me forget all my worries. And not forgettg cats galore. I liikke... Wishing...one day.. Evrytg will b better..

Not yet aslp.. I cant slp.not yet.. Nt feeling ok..