gg bonkers

im at home right now.. m so so bored.. ive been slacking at home since attachment ended.
in search of a part tym job as im running out of cash.. i need a job asap.. ne job wil do..

n i jus don like being at home.. i jus feel as if im caged n locked inside dis house.. for all those who noes me i nvr lah keluar slalu n its like d oni time dats i wana go out e2pun kena grill by my parents like as if im gg to do sumthing so so stupid.. i learnt my mistake alrdy.. i noe okies.. jus becoz of one bad guy one rotten guy who i regret bringing hm to meet my familie.. now u of all my parents don trust me nemore.. say dat i dono how to pilih d right guy n dat all guys out der are buayas... isnt dat jus so pisssing me off??? sumtyms i jus feel life is so unfair... d oni tym dat i go out e2pun lau nk kkluar im being asked qn upon qn n curfew upon curfew.. like 9 plus i need to be home.... den how cum d rest of d gals can jus go home late?? its not as if like i don have ne principles in myself.. its like haizz i jus so hate my life right now.. i just want them to believe me dat ive changed alrdy...

having dates... isit wrg to go on dates?? of coz i do noe d dos n donts being on a date. a normal date... i mean isnt gg on dates is to determine on wether we actaully have d chemistry gg on so dat who noes it might develop into a real r'ship???
having to have a conversation wif dat potential dat possibly cld b ur "MR Right" on d phone at night pun i cant even do dat?? i mean my sleep time is even controlled by my parents... wats dat?? arrgh im jus feeling so so stressed up at hm.... if dis way of method gg to happen in a long period of tym i think i will go crazy.. serius i mean it.. den how m i ever gg to be in a serius r'ship wif a guy whoever he is if dis is how my life...

i cant talk late at night..or talk till wee morning hrs.. (isnt dat wat couples do during deir courtship days???)

i think il be a spinster my whole life if dis carry on...

i cant even go out after magrib.. even if i go out its like daytym balik waktu mlm n e2pun limit by 9 plus... lambat ajer kena lecture n accused yg bukan bukan.. n everytym need proof/evidence dat im gg out wif gals instead of guys...

im jus so d fucking stressed up wif my family.. dey r gd in a way... but dey dont seem to understand d situation dat im in.. i need to go out.. i don like to stay at hm all day.. it makes me wana rebel more.. its like dey dont trust me at all.. n i hate dat...

n i don have ne room to call my own at my home..
tk cukup bilik kat uma.. n im jus so d iri hati dat all my frens haf deir own room.
all i ask is jus not to sleep inisde my parents room nemore.. cant believe dat me n my adik laki tercampak kat my parents rm. my bro n his fren in dis rm. my sis n her fren in dis rm..
utamakan kawan gitu eh instead of blood..
i just cant believe dat my sis doesnt wana share d room wif me... y cant dey understand dat if im gona stay longer in d rm wif my parents im gg bonkers... so wat u r supose to haf dis butch girl r'ship gg on.. i respect ur way of life but as a sister do understand my plight.. i jus wana sleep in your room(which used to be mine n my adik) coz oni den will i feel a kind of relief dat im not under d scrutiny of my parents supervision 24hrs.. is dat hard to understand?? ur reasone being u wana privacy wif d gal.. wtf kan... susah sgt ker nk understand...

i jus hate it.. den i told my mom about me wanting to sllp in my sis room.. den dier ckp aper salah nyer tido wif her n dad and adik in d master bedroom.. i haf my own katil tingkat wat.. but still dont u guys get it?? i dont care about my adik coz he stil in sec. sch.. but me.. im turning 20 soon.. n im still sleeping wif my parents... i dont haf d privacy.. wen my parents slp i oso need to slp.. wats dat.. merepek kan.... im not a child nemore...
den dis funny incident my mom says tunggu sampai da jumper d ONE den kawin den i can slp in my own room. what logic is dat??? its so unbelievable to be like dgr mcm gitu nye rreason..
arrghhhh..

oh and again if im stil 25 n nt having a bf yet n m werking alrdy, i still need to slp wif my parents????

help me ya allah, give me d strength to overcum this hurdle of my life..

confrontation

today the unexpected happened.. my dad meet my ex Justin an his new gf at bedok corner..
my dad was having his lunch alone there for his lunchbreak... hmm a confrontation der was by my father.. he approached both of them.. it happened at d bustop..

i think wat my dad had done was d right thiing. dats wat every father should do right?? i meant he tot justin wasnt gentleman enough to tell him dat we both have broken up.. to dad, if a guy have d right to cum to your house n say his interest in your daughter, surely wen d r'ship doesnt werk out, he must be gentleman enuf to cum to your house n explain everything dat it wont workout anymore between him n her and just apologise for everything?? its like my family have embraced and treated him as a family member n dis is wat he returned no explanation for d breakup n just go away silently like dat??

dat is wat dat makes my father so so damn angry n pissed off wif justin..
n d gal tak tau malu wanaa interfere in my fathers conversation wif justin.... i recap frm wat my father said to me.. d gall said wadda shit. dont accuse him neting n stuff.. coz my dad say i don wana noe wat haf happened btween u n my daughter but for all i noe stop being a playboy n treat gals like sum crap.. n dats wer d al interuupt saying wat shit n bla bla bla.. n my father just scolded her back as well and ask her not to interfere. n justin noeing that d situation s gg to get worse, bring the gal away and said goodbye to my father... he noes he is in d wrg n dats y he doesnt fight back wif my father..

hate dem both to the max.. hate d gal coz she shouted back at my father.. jawab balik.. so damn fucking rude.. wif d ciggie in your hand.. damn it... if u wana find trouble wif me after dis, im up for it aite if you think you don like d confrontation done by my father.. although i wont give a damn nemore about u bof nemore.. korang nk nikah ker nk kawin ker aper ker nk elope ker.. i jus hate sumone talking back to my father rudely.. especially sumone who is not involved at all... wich is u in d ferst place..

cant believe justin said i was d one at fault for the breakup. fiza buat pasall tu pasal jas breakup ngn fiza.. ya right.. im glad that i have seen his true colors... thank god my jodoh wif him tak lama.. i appreciate wat my father have done.. he backed me up.. i love my daddy.. n mummy.. i wont wna do anoter mistake to hurt him anymore.. i guess his pride is hurt dat sumone treated her baby gal badly..

well dats all for todays event..

REason Being

im back..

d issue that has been holding me back for this last few weeks has been settled.
i hope everyone will understand my situation on why i chosen that path...
i feel so stupid.. i feel pathethic for being wrong again.
time upon time i made d wrg choices...
wif guys dat is..

dey are all heartless.. bastards.. jerks.. who doesnt want responsibility...
i wish i can be shown some light to guide me tru dis dark phase of my life...
i feel guilty for wat ive done.. remorse n wanted to change for d better?? hmm... not der yet.. im lost.. im still searching for d answer.. for my true identity..
m i cold? m i heartless?? for doing this..

i do this is oso due to my condition n not just becoz i wana save my sorry ass. d sickness dat im in.. its gona make life difficult for me.. its gona be so complicated dat i do not wana take d risk in dangering a life... and even maybe my life... a coward i am.. well dats have always been me.. coward me..

dis is life.. for me.. i kept thinking about the fasting mth dat is gg to cum.. d raya everything..
im thinking of everyones happiness... im thinking of my whole future ahead.. theres so many things that have not been accomplished yet..

n at dis one point of tym i tot frens r jus frens.. wat trues frens really are... i hope im wrg i hope dey are just really bz wif deir lives.. i cant believe some will like just back out d las minute to help me.. bz in stuff or so dey say.. n i cant believe a new fren dat ive just made will make d sacrifice as in his time and tk a day off frm his werk to accompany me.. i dono nemore the meaning of frens.. i jus cant understand ryt now.. maybe im being too emo at dis moment in tym..

i noe i wont like have ne redemption for wat ive done.. i jus pray dat sumone out der heard my cry for support... d moral support to keep me frm gg astray again.. i hope im strong to resist ne temptations there is outside.. i jus wana be strong willed..

"ya allah... i need you the most right now... "

inactive for a while

Recently i have not been msging back to some of the people that have been msging me on my hp...to them, im sorry for not doing so.I will keep in touch with u all only after i have settled this private personal matter of mine. all i an say is im sorry to everyone who have put their faith in me believing me that il make d right choices. im a failure.

Wish me all the best in handling this matter of mine. Pray for my health n safety you guys n gals. Ive made a mistake n i am gg to correct it.I just hope i have the strength to do this option that im gg to take..
I noe this is the best possible choice I have to make.

Till then i shall not be blogging for a period of time.

ps: the chalet thing gg on wif the suprise b'day party for abdulla( c ferst on dfsy will dey be gg. if u gals go il g o) and one of my sweetdarlingz,kak caca event is gg to be attended by me thou.