life.

live life to d fullest.
wats my definition of living life to d fullest??
wats urs??





taking a day as it is? watever dat i deem right i wil take it n live life to d fullest wif no regrets?

life

my feelings r so messed up right now. i need a break. wif my fiance dat is. to rekindle d spark dat i think we r losing. oh gosh.. im so bad to feel dis way.
y cant he see it my way.
or m i expecting too much frm him.
promises r left promises only.

life is reali full of suprises.

never one would haf thought that being someones tunang wil be giving one so much doubts.
im d one who wanted d engagement so much. but now dat ive gotten it, im feeling wether m i reali reali ready for it. n it reali sucks to haf dis linger in ur mind for quite a wile.
n to add to d problem,my lupus is acting up again. dats wat d doc says. he prescribe me iron pills n dis drug to stop d swelling of joints n muscles dat ive been having lately. tel u d truth he wanted to add d prednisolone( in oter words d steroid;which i detest so much wen we r in dat fateful room9 at ttsh clinic b1b) so he is giving me one mth tym to chckup agn on me. den in 1st dec he is chcking my blood result again n c do i reali need d steroid. who would want? it took me how many years to get wer i m now today.dat med. gave me stretch marks all ovr my body.make me fat. make me haf pimples so many i couldnt even look myself in d mirror without cryg. n my bloated puffy face.sumore it was highlight of my poly yrs lak tu. n ppl yes my feet r killing me dey r swollen tk tentu pasal even tho i wear slippers.it hurts me to go down d staircase.
n ppl im not taking dat drug he gave me to reduce d swelling. coz i noe d side effects. so im taking iron pills now n jus depending on milk milk milk. eating lots n lots of red meat,hati,limpa,spinach n etc.i pray dat my result wil b much bttr den dat 5th novembr one. d charts show evrytg is dropping. mayb its too late now to salvage wat i can for my body to mk it strong.i jus hope n pray il b ok.
mayb im thinking too much lately. my mind reali need peace. i need to haf dat freedom wer im not under 100% lookout frm my ever so modern parents. who lets u out but dint let u overnite or b late hm wif d constant calls.. who dont let u go for holidays unless u r married. n for sumone who is engaged alrdy oso still kena treat like small kid. my tunang is even 33. 10 yrs my senior. i noe wats ryt n wrg. u r d one who pressure me to haf n ikatan coz we hab been too long as gf n bf. not manis but den now im havg doubts.. r we able to save up in 2 yrs tym..coz d oter party nt yet started. n i haf taken out my savings of 10 mths coz i need d money. my bro cant evn lend me a 100 bucks wen i reali nd it for my hosp chckup. not like im nt payg it bck. he cld evn say u jolly well spend ur money u go n tke out ur savgs pln wich inoe u haf money.alot. well.

n my bf is sayg im demanding. n i dnt understand him. is 2yrs of savg up enuf...ive started n u haf not. i shall wait til we r financially ready n evn if it take more den 2 yrs....
n frens ive sinn so much reali...

berzaman rasa nya... smiles.

ages it has been since i update dis blog of mine.
life is pretty much happy now? =)
to ppl who used to read up on my blog last tym. i da bertunang. yey yey!
it happend on 090808. finally im called sumones tunang.
n dat lucky guy is my azahari. sayang dier byk byk. muaks tak terkira kira skali. hehehe.

been late but i want to wish evrybody Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin.
=)

life wif frens? siapa lagi kalau bukan lin jambu sal lawar. ehehe. n dier respective tunang n bf syawal n yem.

i mase kejer kat ocbc bank. sentiasa akan ingat kak caca for d recomendation. terima kaseh laa byk byk. hehehehe..

as to my wedding preparations selepas tunang e2hari. satu benda lum prepare. i don even noe wer to start in d ferst place n we have not even fix like a month or date. tgk kuzzin ku yg lagi satu, dier nk kawin nxt yr december2009. da sempat book catering n baju semua lah complete.
e2hari march 2008 tak salah aku dier tunang. mcm i see bagus gitu dua dua enthu seh about all dis nk kawin thingy.
tk ker cepat? i think duit da cukup kot? as for me n him baru start saving seh. hehehe. lambat.
tapi i don wana kancong azahari n start pressuring him. coz seriusly i dono wer to start in ferst place. nk package aper nk buat brapa hari n nk baju camner nk deco camner. hehee. n fikir sal uma hdb lak aku lagi tak tau.. coz azahari da ader uma sendiri under his name. hehe. jadi nk beli uma baru tkleh kena li resale eh? entah lah aku pun tak. stress pikir sal hdb thingy.

newae i miss my two beautiful ladies. lin n sal.

i miss azahari... so so much.
btw semalam i sempat gi cycling ngn azahari at eastcoast. baru ferst week raya lak tu. hehe.
n i manage to eat my gong gong n ayam bbq. nice sedap.

til anoter update frm me again.
muaks.

life.love.hate.

had a great nite wif my two darlz ystdy.


i love my bf.
im at a crosspoint in my life.
stil deciding.
lately all the ppl ard me are either engaged or gg to be one soon n sum even r gettg
married this yr.
im so happy for them.
this leave me to where?
i noe i shall not rush n jump into the bandwagon like everyone else.
but again.ive been tru alot. m i not deserving of all this happy moments?
m i not deserving enuf to be called someones fiancee? someones wife?
y isit so hard for him to be really so into all this stuff?
making a commitment to me?

(some of u wil say aku yg carik all this nonsense stuff in the first place. and watever happened to me is d consequences of all d stupid choices ive made so far in my life.)
im aware. i knew.

i noe i have to resign to wat my fate lies ahead for me.my destiny.
i noe im asking too much.. whining too much about this issue when i have a whole lot of other things to think about such as my health my work n my personal achievements my goals in life.
maybe all this happiness ard the hype of engagement marriage is actuali hittg me really hard inside.

yah i smile n laugh on the outside but inside only God noes how much guilt-ridden i m.
about the major decisions ive made so far.
he alrdy says that he is open to the idea of this december.
but its oni aftr much persuasion girls.
he's not wanting it.
i want it.
thats d diffrence wich is making me think back.
i shall not rush him.
i shall leave evrythg to him.
tomoro im mitg him and we r having this talk again.
if he is not ready.
i shall not bring up this issue again.
is he worth the wait?
sometimes u just wonder is he for real? is his promises for real?
but y is he actg the way he is now?
talking about making yourself comitted his face will cringe n his tone wil change.
i do not noe y.

oh well..
kalau jodoh takkan ke mana.